I dnt know how I feel. I think I was numb for a while. Thought I was rationalizing, I guess I still am. Don’t know If I felt enough grief. And right now its just a whole load of confusion and regret. I don’t know how things were at the end. How he felt how we were. I was supposed to keep msging but I stopped. Had to work up the courage to do it every time.  Thought I was giving him space but I think I might have just been deluding myself. I feel confused, amused and nostalgic one second and lethargic and well… I guess sad the next. I want to read more of what he wrote. I want finality. I want closure...