I dnt know how I feel. I think I was numb for a while. Thought
I was rationalizing, I guess I still am. Don’t know If I felt enough grief. And
right now its just a whole load of confusion and regret. I don’t know how
things were at the end. How he felt how we were. I was supposed to keep msging
but I stopped. Had to work up the courage to do it every time. Thought I was giving him space but I think I might
have just been deluding myself. I feel confused, amused and nostalgic one
second and lethargic and well… I guess sad the next. I want to read more of
what he wrote. I want finality. I want closure...
2 comments:
i desperately want to read what he once wrote.
but he deleted it all. i looked for it everywhere. every address he ever made. i dunno when it happened i never shoudve stopped blogging. and now hes gone and there is nothing left. no closure no nothing
"When someone is suddenly taken from you, there are no goodbyes" (Charmed)
When I came to know of his demise, I thought afterwards, A Level started 'yesterday'. I mean O Level years seem like a distant past and the times before that, ancient eras but man! A Level started a 'few' days ago. I just shifted into a new house 3 days before A Level started and now, it's 3 houses later. I keep thinking that I never spent any time with him. There is no substitute for the high-school moments spend together. The post-high-school meet-ups weren't enough. I feel ashamed because I think I didn't know him enough. Also, I wish I was as mature as him. He was the best. The best.
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